I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
You Might Also Like
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food