I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses