An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”