[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I have never related to anyone more.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
#oldknees
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*