shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
that’s really how it is
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.