People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
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North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?