Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
it must be school picture day
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog