My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
never deleting this app.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?