I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
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You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I bet
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
this is how life feels
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️