How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam