[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?