[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Meanwhile in Portland…
lmao
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk