“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.