date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects