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Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
so much to do
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?