the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.