[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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water it, i dare you
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Phonetics
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?