pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
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Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels