I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
me logging onto twitter
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
War & Peace
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.