As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Bring back the McRib
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”