Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Every haunted house movie:
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”