It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
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a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.