My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.