911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
found my next D&D character name
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !