Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”