Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
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JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My dog ate my work from home.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.