My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I saw this ending much differently.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂