Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
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The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I think this should do it.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT