Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…