Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Good point.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
and now we wait
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.