Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
this is so top tier i cant
Some of y’all tomorrow …
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates