“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You Might Also Like
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
IT’S-A ME,
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn