i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.