Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I have a black belt in leather
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
tell em, edith-anne
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.