schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
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*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”