Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
How I’d get arrested…
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes