Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
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society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
what
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.