my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
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If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
New Tinder profile.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.