It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’