I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Erm I’m gonna say no
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Broom by every window for quick escape.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit