Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
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Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Yes my dude
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
just having fun
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail