This is Sparta
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went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.