Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
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My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.