Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*