when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”