[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
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Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens