Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.