People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ok this is my dumbest yet
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…