Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
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My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.