cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
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Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.